umbrella etiquette for the gentleman

For those of you who may have been worried (and even for those who were not) - I wrestled the Dodo into captivity in the end.

December showers are on us again and I thought that I'd share some very important information for those among us who are struggling with the difficult social situations that wet weather can bring.

I'm talking about umbrella etiquette.

We've all been there - the social awkwardness of walking past another human being on a rainy day when you are both carrying opened umbrellas...

"Will I raise my umbrella slightly to let this person pass?" you think to yourself "or will I lower it slightly so that that their umbrella can pass more easily?"

Before you have time to reach the correct decision you've become ensnared in the rain-deflecting device of someone to whom you haven't even been introduced - thus causing much embarrassment to yourself and your family. One person I know had to change his name and move to Sri Lankha as a result of getting his umbrella caught in the hat of a young unmarried woman from Aldershot.

The basic rules of umbrella etiquette are as follows.

1. There are basically two types of umbrella - the cheap small type that can be bought in Woolworths, can be collapsed to fit neatly into a handbag and will last about a month (this type is hereafter referred to as the compact) or the large golf-type umbrellas that can merely be furled into long vicious weapons (hereafter referred to as the avenger).

2. A tall gentleman carrying a compact or avenger must raise it when approaching another gentleman unless the other gent is the same height or greater in which case the avenger takes precedence over the compact.

3. A small gentleman carrying a compact should tilt it to pass a man of similar or lesser height. A small gentleman carrying an avenger obviously feels he's got something to prove and should be avoided at all costs.

4. When approaching an umbrella-bearing woman the gentleman should always both raise and tilt his umbrella as a mark of respect. Be careful not to impale passers by while doing this - it is considered very bad manners to do do.

5. In ascertaining whether to raise, lower or tilt ones umbrella when passing another umbrella user it is often necessary to stop in order to assess how the passer by will position their umbrella. This can often lead to two people standing in front of one another for hours, raising and lowering their umbrellas while deciding how to proceed. It is considered bad form to laugh and point at these people.

6. If travelling in London remember that the inhabitants are a crass and indolent lot and so all bets are off. Many of the inhabitants of London are adept in the ancient art of Upokemi-i umbrella combat and caution should be adopted.

Hope that these notes are useful. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.