The Frost Report

December bites, dear reader, with all the viciousness it can muster.

Today is the first day that it's felt like winter in Northwest Britain. Travelling to work this morning I was unable to see a thing out of the train windows. It was what I believe Londoners call a 'real pea-souper' - although to be honest the colour was more of a dirty washing up water (less lyrical, perhaps, but more exact).

Travelling home was even worse, with cold so intense that when I got home I had to perform what leprosy sufferers refer to as a VSE (Visual Surveillance of Extremities) to check that I hadn't lost any frostbitten fingers and toes on the train.

Presumably the powers that be would have had to close off the rail network if I had - a bunch of frozen digits would certainly count as a 'suspicious package' in anyone's book.

In any case, Tallulah has finished work until the new year (I'm not far behind) and the Christmas and New Year break beckon towards both Tallulah and the Geek...

...hang on, 'Tallulah and the Geek' sounds like a great title for a sitcom doesn't it?....

"Hell raising actress Tallulah Bankhead thought that she'd seen everything until she shared a flat with Internet guru Bill Gates...she's acts like a TART... while he plays with his SCART... with hilarious consequences!!!"

Now I've put this high-concept pitch on the Internet I fully expect to see it on the ITV schedules in the New Year along with 'Date my Pet!' and 'Pro-Celebrity Glue Sniffing (with Ant and Dec)'.

And now, a plea for understanding:

I have learned, through various channels, that some commentators have misinterpreted my 'plea for twee' and my musings on the true meaning of Christmas (which I think we've all established now is eating and not being at work) as something more than it was.

In fact, some people have ventured the theory that Spanglepuss and myself are having an online argument.

Nothing could be further from the truth. To these people I would say that I hope that Spanglepuss and myself are, by now, comfortable with each other's sense of humour. We both spend so much of our lives with our tongue rammed firmly in our cheek that either of us is capable of a rather passable impression of the elephant man.

As we are both such fans of the world-weary cynical approach to life it was inevitable that Spanglepuss would react with shock and awe at any moment of 'twee' optimism on my part - just as I would react with shock and awe if I ever saw her advertising 'Sunny Delight'.

(I'm assuming the 'Um Bongo' campaign was a one-off and she needed the money)

In short, I've known Spanglepuss for years, she's bloody brilliant and I'd often had the pleasure of admiring her spangles....although I've never admired her pussy.

(I mean SHE DOESN'T OWN A CAT...what did you think I meant?)

I'm going to get in trouble for that last line in so many different ways....