Wedding

5 days to go...

This will be my last post for a while.

(and when I say 'last post' I don't mean that bugle tune that they play when someone dies before anyone tries to read any subtext into this)

I'm getting married in the morning...well actually in a few mornings time but that does not scan so well. Then there's the honeymoon in Italy. So no posts from the geek for a while.

Truth is that I've found that there is a peculiar kind of madness involved in weddings that I suspect is only otherwise familiar to anyone who is involved in opera, the theatre or high fashion. Trivial questions over costume and stage directions suddenly become important - I honestly never thought I'd get sucked into it but one does rather find oneself worrying about who is sat next to who and whether so-and-so's waistcoat matches so-and-so's cravat.

(...and this is from someone who often finds himself wanting a communist uprising so that all difficult questions of wardrobe will resolve themselves into "which of my identical boiler suits shall I wear today?")

Instead of studying people in war zones. psychologists could easily use weddings as a way of studying mass hysteria. This is why the wedding is so beloved of film and TV scriptwriters. It's a form of emotional shorthand - stick in a wedding and the drama writes itself. You just know that feelings will run high, and that all bets are off.

People tune into a wedding episode of a popular TV show not because they are interested in the relationship of the participants but because they know that a wedding is comedic or dramatic gold. There will be comedic misunderstandings, revelations or conflicts. The bride and groom at the weddings of popular culture rarely make it to the reception - to be honest they're lucky if they get to the end of the vows.

Even Torchwood, which is resolutely Sci-Fi and dramatically uneven at the best of times, has tried a wedding episode. True, the bride was pregnant with an alien foetus and one of the guests was a shape changer but the principle is the same.

What I do know is that G and I are exceedingly lucky because ours is a small, simple wedding. The debate over the right kind of ribbon, the right order for the speeches and whether the bride should go before the bridesmaid have been relatively minor. This is good as I understand that things like this can lay the foundations for the grudges of the future.

How am I feeling? I'm very excited but also a little tense, nervous... haddock.

People have asked me if I'm anxious - of course I am!

But they might not appreciate what it is that I'm anxious about.

I'm anxious that somewhere in all the formality and general nuttiness I might fail to adequately communicate the most important message of all. So I just thought I'd say the following right here and now in this post (a blog is, like a wedding, a public declaration) .

The message is that I love G with all my heart and I'm such a lucky man to be marrying her. She's my lover, best friend and confidante and I mean to spend the rest of my life with her.

There, enough said.

Apologies for those of you who feel queasy at this point. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

The saddest word...

14 days to go.

I have decided that the saddest word in the world is "Shopmobiliy".

This is not because I have any objection to the little scooter things. People with reduced mobility obviously want and need to get about. Although let's face it we've all suspected, even just for a moment, that a very very small proportion of the people utilising these scooters are simply being lazy or are drunk on power.

No. what I don't like is the word "Shopmobility". Shoppingmobility would be fine, as would the slightly clumsy mobility shopping.

But Shopmobility - the shops themselves are not moving! This must confuse small children all the time and they'll be expecting WHSmith to rear itself up on robotic legs and trample Sainsburys out of existence.

Oh, I feel I have an idea for an anime series coming on......

More Victorian Olympics

17 days to go....

I don't know, first post for months and my computer explodes....

More Victorian Olympic events...

Forelock tugging

Points are awarded for cheekiness and general obsequiousness. Marks for artistic merit can be awarded to competitors who go for the optional and highly dangerous hat-doffing. This can be deadly and we all remember the tragic incident in which Frederick "Cheeky Rapscallion" O'Rourke was decapitated while attempting the infamous "Reverse Brougham Hat Doff" in a high wind.

Malicious lingering

In which the competitor must lurk around the property of a wealthy gentleman in such a way that the gentleman does not notice him and order his footman to "flog the blackguard". Champion in this event is Bert "Evening Squire" Mitchell who has single-handedly lowered property prices in the Mayfair district while remaining completely unknown to the local peelers.

Syphilis spreading

A popular spectator event which has no redeeming features and leaves the spectator feeling guilty. A bit like women's beach volleyball.