14 days to go.
I have decided that the saddest word in the world is "Shopmobiliy".
This is not because I have any objection to the little scooter things. People with reduced mobility obviously want and need to get about. Although let's face it we've all suspected, even just for a moment, that a very very small proportion of the people utilising these scooters are simply being lazy or are drunk on power.
No. what I don't like is the word "Shopmobility". Shoppingmobility would be fine, as would the slightly clumsy mobility shopping.
But Shopmobility - the shops themselves are not moving! This must confuse small children all the time and they'll be expecting WHSmith to rear itself up on robotic legs and trample Sainsburys out of existence.
Oh, I feel I have an idea for an anime series coming on......
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
More Victorian Olympics
17 days to go....
I don't know, first post for months and my computer explodes....
More Victorian Olympic events...
Forelock tugging
Points are awarded for cheekiness and general obsequiousness. Marks for artistic merit can be awarded to competitors who go for the optional and highly dangerous hat-doffing. This can be deadly and we all remember the tragic incident in which Frederick "Cheeky Rapscallion" O'Rourke was decapitated while attempting the infamous "Reverse Brougham Hat Doff" in a high wind.
Malicious lingering
In which the competitor must lurk around the property of a wealthy gentleman in such a way that the gentleman does not notice him and order his footman to "flog the blackguard". Champion in this event is Bert "Evening Squire" Mitchell who has single-handedly lowered property prices in the Mayfair district while remaining completely unknown to the local peelers.
Syphilis spreading
A popular spectator event which has no redeeming features and leaves the spectator feeling guilty. A bit like women's beach volleyball.
I don't know, first post for months and my computer explodes....
More Victorian Olympic events...
Forelock tugging
Points are awarded for cheekiness and general obsequiousness. Marks for artistic merit can be awarded to competitors who go for the optional and highly dangerous hat-doffing. This can be deadly and we all remember the tragic incident in which Frederick "Cheeky Rapscallion" O'Rourke was decapitated while attempting the infamous "Reverse Brougham Hat Doff" in a high wind.
Malicious lingering
In which the competitor must lurk around the property of a wealthy gentleman in such a way that the gentleman does not notice him and order his footman to "flog the blackguard". Champion in this event is Bert "Evening Squire" Mitchell who has single-handedly lowered property prices in the Mayfair district while remaining completely unknown to the local peelers.
Syphilis spreading
A popular spectator event which has no redeeming features and leaves the spectator feeling guilty. A bit like women's beach volleyball.
Friday, 22 August 2008
1898 Olympics
29 days to go...
Still addicted to the Olympics.
Having watched an Olympic news report the other night about the Victorian Olympics I was shocked to learn that Deer shooting was once an Olympic sport.
Deer shooting! That was a obviously a sport that the whole of the populace could empathise with!
Inspired by this most unlikely of revelations I put my mind to speculating what other events would be found on the 1898 Olympic roster.
Chimney sweeping (Time trial)
A popular event in which those damnable urchins the lower classes seem to constantly produce (probably as a primitive means of keeping warm) are finally put to some practical use in cleaning chimneys in a timely fashion. This season some of the more enthusiastic coaches have hit upon the idea of lighting the fire while the event is in progress as a form of encouragement.
Chimney sweeping (Rhythmic)
The rhythmic chimney sweeping event has nothing to do with actual chimney sweeping and is instead based on the sweep's ability to sing and dance (possibly about bamboo) while affecting a terrible east end accent and trying to seduce middle-class nannies. The Olympic council facing pressure this year to add similar events for other menial classes so they can, for instance, advise people about their matrimonial prospects for the following day.
Harlot Murdering
In which the competitor, a gentleman obviously, makes every effort to murder as many ladies of dubious virtue as possible while evading capture by those damnable peelers. Extra points are awarded for ingenious dissections. It is believed that the reigning Olympic champion, a Mr J.T. Ripper, has not yet collected his gold medal after his spectacular performance during the 1882 Olympiad.
Still addicted to the Olympics.
Having watched an Olympic news report the other night about the Victorian Olympics I was shocked to learn that Deer shooting was once an Olympic sport.
Deer shooting! That was a obviously a sport that the whole of the populace could empathise with!
Inspired by this most unlikely of revelations I put my mind to speculating what other events would be found on the 1898 Olympic roster.
Chimney sweeping (Time trial)
A popular event in which those damnable urchins the lower classes seem to constantly produce (probably as a primitive means of keeping warm) are finally put to some practical use in cleaning chimneys in a timely fashion. This season some of the more enthusiastic coaches have hit upon the idea of lighting the fire while the event is in progress as a form of encouragement.
Chimney sweeping (Rhythmic)
The rhythmic chimney sweeping event has nothing to do with actual chimney sweeping and is instead based on the sweep's ability to sing and dance (possibly about bamboo) while affecting a terrible east end accent and trying to seduce middle-class nannies. The Olympic council facing pressure this year to add similar events for other menial classes so they can, for instance, advise people about their matrimonial prospects for the following day.
Harlot Murdering
In which the competitor, a gentleman obviously, makes every effort to murder as many ladies of dubious virtue as possible while evading capture by those damnable peelers. Extra points are awarded for ingenious dissections. It is believed that the reigning Olympic champion, a Mr J.T. Ripper, has not yet collected his gold medal after his spectacular performance during the 1882 Olympiad.
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Running, jumping, climbing trees...
34 days to go
Strangely addicted to the Olympics at the moment.
I don't know what it is about the Olympics that makes sport acceptable to me for a couple of weeks every four years. Perhaps that's my sport tolerance limit? Perhaps it's because the marking system of gold, silver and bronze is straightforward enough that I can bring myself to care - if you watch athletics at any other time it's more a case of "anonymous athlete A has run slightly faster than anonymous athlete B, hurrah!" but if there is a circle of precious metal at stake then I can fixate on that.
In any case, every four years I suddenly decide to take an interest in other people exerting themselves.
Where has this Team GB business come from? We all seemed to manage to call the athletes 'The British Team' in previous contests. Is the Olympic reporting airtime at such a premium that shorter team names are necessary?
In the London Olympics is the British team going to be called 'TGB' to shorten things further?
Where can we go from there? I can confidently predict that the British Team in the 2016 Olympics will be referred to by a short burst of static that sounds like a ZX81 loading.
Anyway, I'm off to watch the women's beach volleyball. I'd write more but I need both hands to type....
Strangely addicted to the Olympics at the moment.
I don't know what it is about the Olympics that makes sport acceptable to me for a couple of weeks every four years. Perhaps that's my sport tolerance limit? Perhaps it's because the marking system of gold, silver and bronze is straightforward enough that I can bring myself to care - if you watch athletics at any other time it's more a case of "anonymous athlete A has run slightly faster than anonymous athlete B, hurrah!" but if there is a circle of precious metal at stake then I can fixate on that.
In any case, every four years I suddenly decide to take an interest in other people exerting themselves.
Where has this Team GB business come from? We all seemed to manage to call the athletes 'The British Team' in previous contests. Is the Olympic reporting airtime at such a premium that shorter team names are necessary?
In the London Olympics is the British team going to be called 'TGB' to shorten things further?
Where can we go from there? I can confidently predict that the British Team in the 2016 Olympics will be referred to by a short burst of static that sounds like a ZX81 loading.
Anyway, I'm off to watch the women's beach volleyball. I'd write more but I need both hands to type....
Sunday, 18 May 2008
Doctor in the Tardis (Redux)
125 days to go
OK, so we're now halfway through the new series of Doctor Who and what have we got.
On the good side, a lot of people (myself included) who audibly sighed when they read that Catherine Tate was to be given the Doctor's Assistant gig have had to eat their words with a side order of humble pie and admit that actually, she's not half bad. The occasional foray into "how very dare you" territory notwithstanding she provides a good foil for the central character and manages to prick the bubble of the Doctor's pomposity.
The return of the Sontarans was also handled well as the show continues to strike a balance between drawing on the mythology of the classic series and creating its own. There have also been some really comic set pieces this year and although some Who fans can't abide comedy, if it's done well I love it.
On the negative side there have been a couple of iffy elements - the special effects on the Ood episode weren't up to the job of portraying a huge pulsating brain (inflatable blancmange anyone?) and the 'Doctor's Daughter' episode was a bit of a damp squib with lots of ideas but only a single episode in which to develop them.
(Still don't know what to think about the giant wasp)
All in all a much stronger season than season two while not, so far, reaching the heights of seasons one and three (ignoring the concluding episode of season three which was bobbins).
With the pieces gradually being moved into place for the finale it'll be interesting to see where the last 6 episodes take us....
OK, so we're now halfway through the new series of Doctor Who and what have we got.
On the good side, a lot of people (myself included) who audibly sighed when they read that Catherine Tate was to be given the Doctor's Assistant gig have had to eat their words with a side order of humble pie and admit that actually, she's not half bad. The occasional foray into "how very dare you" territory notwithstanding she provides a good foil for the central character and manages to prick the bubble of the Doctor's pomposity.
The return of the Sontarans was also handled well as the show continues to strike a balance between drawing on the mythology of the classic series and creating its own. There have also been some really comic set pieces this year and although some Who fans can't abide comedy, if it's done well I love it.
On the negative side there have been a couple of iffy elements - the special effects on the Ood episode weren't up to the job of portraying a huge pulsating brain (inflatable blancmange anyone?) and the 'Doctor's Daughter' episode was a bit of a damp squib with lots of ideas but only a single episode in which to develop them.
(Still don't know what to think about the giant wasp)
All in all a much stronger season than season two while not, so far, reaching the heights of seasons one and three (ignoring the concluding episode of season three which was bobbins).
With the pieces gradually being moved into place for the finale it'll be interesting to see where the last 6 episodes take us....
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
Most certainly not coming to acinema near you...
I realise that I've not posted for a while, but I wonder if you could do me a favour.....
Recently at work I was asked (pressurised, cajoled etc.) into making a short video 'tour' of highlights from the collection of the museum where I work in order to pop on the web.
The resulting film is dull, far too long, static and (because I had a cold) makes me sound incredibly pompous but it would be incredibly chuff-some if you could log onto YouTube and take a gander. Who knows, you might like to write something (hopefully) complimentary about it!
(Just as long as I'm beating Engelsea Brook Museum of Methodism's viewing figures!)
The link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mHhHEXCjVA or alternatively just type 'Warrington Museum' and select the 'A Short Tour of Warrington Museum' film.
cheers m'dears!
Recently at work I was asked (pressurised, cajoled etc.) into making a short video 'tour' of highlights from the collection of the museum where I work in order to pop on the web.
The resulting film is dull, far too long, static and (because I had a cold) makes me sound incredibly pompous but it would be incredibly chuff-some if you could log onto YouTube and take a gander. Who knows, you might like to write something (hopefully) complimentary about it!
(Just as long as I'm beating Engelsea Brook Museum of Methodism's viewing figures!)
The link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mHhHEXCjVA or alternatively just type 'Warrington Museum' and select the 'A Short Tour of Warrington Museum' film.
cheers m'dears!
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
another secret shame.....
(199 days to go...)
I want to share with you another of my secret shames.
I actually don't like strawberries very much.
This seems to be a cardinal sin. Turn down a raspberry or a gooseberry and you're fine. Turn down a strawberry and everyone looks at you like you've just kicked an orphan downstairs.
I think it's because the strawberry seems too smug and jolly for my liking. Therefore I shun the uncomplicated optimism of the strawberry for the damaged and needy blackberry and the cynical blackcurrant.
I also think it's because my father, a keen gardener, always maintained that the best way to grow strawberries was to use lots of manure. As a result we had a huge pile of manure delivered outside our house every year.
A a result the strawberry is irrevocably associated in my mind with horse poo.
Enjoy Wimbledon 2008 everybody!
I want to share with you another of my secret shames.
I actually don't like strawberries very much.
This seems to be a cardinal sin. Turn down a raspberry or a gooseberry and you're fine. Turn down a strawberry and everyone looks at you like you've just kicked an orphan downstairs.
I think it's because the strawberry seems too smug and jolly for my liking. Therefore I shun the uncomplicated optimism of the strawberry for the damaged and needy blackberry and the cynical blackcurrant.
I also think it's because my father, a keen gardener, always maintained that the best way to grow strawberries was to use lots of manure. As a result we had a huge pile of manure delivered outside our house every year.
A a result the strawberry is irrevocably associated in my mind with horse poo.
Enjoy Wimbledon 2008 everybody!
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